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Good thing its midnight anyway.

I’ve decided that I can indulge in tumblr so long as I’m not on it past midnight so that I can get at least 4 hours of sleep before heading to work.


Where are you summer vacation?

Until tomorrow.


Filed under ramblings

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rzrtonguedpoet replied to your post “3, 6, 9, and 19 please and thankies”

The list with 20
  • 3: 3 random facts about yourself

I speak Spanish, Italian, and Mandarin.

I’m ambidextrous.

My parents named me after the street Verandah Place in Brooklyn lol. There’s a whole story though.

  • 6: What’s your favorite thing to have another person do to you? ie: scratch your back, play with your hair

I love touch in general. I think its my love language. 

  • 9:What is something you find really cute on a potential romantic/sexual partner? If both genders, say one for each or something that applies to both

I don’t know. It seems to change weekly. I just love men.

  • 19:Favorite type of weather?

Bright 73 degree days with not too much warmth but just enough of a breeze to make you feel like you’re going to live forever…

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Some real creepy questions, get your fix. DO IT

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?
3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?
4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?
5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
7. What exactly are you wearing right now?
8. How often do you listen to music?
9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?
10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2015?
11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?
12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?
13. What about ‘R’?
14. Can you drive a stick shift?
15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?
16. Are you going out of town soon?
17. When was the last time you cried?
18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?
19. If you could change your eye color, would you?
20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?
21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.
22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?
23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?
24. What are you sitting on right now?
25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?
26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
28. Do you get a lot of colds?
29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?
30. Does anyone hate you?
31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?
32. Do you like watching scary movies?
33. Do you want your tongue pierced?
34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
35. Did you have a dream last night?
36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
40. Did you have a good day yesterday?
41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?
42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?
43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
44. What’s the best part about school?
45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?
46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?
47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
48. Were you single over the last summer?
49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?
51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
52. Are you nice to everyone?
53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?
56. Do you think you like someone?
57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?
58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?
60. Do you hate anyone?
61. How’s your heart?
62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
63. Have you ever cried over a guy?
64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
65. Are your toenails painted pink?
66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?
67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?
68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?
69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
70. How do you look right now?
71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
72. Can you commit to one person?
73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
74. Have you ever felt replaced?
75. Did you wake up cranky?
76. Are you a jealous person?
77. Are relationships ever worth it?
78. Anyone you’re giving up on?
79. Currently wanting to see anyone?
80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
81. Last person you cried in front of?
82. Is there someone you will never forget?
83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?
84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?
85. Are you over your past?
86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?
87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?
90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?
92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?
93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?
94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?
95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?
96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?
97. Who do you have texts from?
98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?
101. Ever kissed under fireworks?
102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

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But for real…

I consider it often—

What if it isn’t in the plan for my life to have any children of my own?
What if I’m never to marry either?

I’m a teacher.

I spend close to 12 hours a day with other people’s children.

I touch the hearts of other people’s children by cohorts I’m beginning to lose count of.

I’ve been making a difference in the lives of other people’s children since I was a child myself. It’ll be 13 years in September…

What if…
what if that’s just supposed to be enough for me?
what if I’m supposed to be content and satisfied with loving and caring for other people’s children from a legal distance?

Its not enough. Not now. I think.

But it makes %1000 sense when I think of it in the grand scheme of things—

I’m in the middle of touring the country.
I just picked up and flew to California for about a week last week.
I am GONE for more than half the day at school.
I stay out late nights either working or performing and leave incredibly early morning.

My family, if I had one, would be grossly neglected. I wouldn’t be able to bring them on the road. I wouldn’t be able to leave them home either.

Both Jesus and Paul were single men who were able to do great things for God ONLY BECAUSE they were single and had no family of their own to tend to.

But I speculate that Paul’s “thorn in his flesh” was simply because he was lonely… that’s a different rant though…

Am I a teacher and always in the company of other people’s kids because my single unmarried life is a necessity for the things I’m to do and the places I’m to go? Is it supposed to be a substitute or make up for my lack of?

It doesn’t. Not now. I think.

But if I’m SUPER real with myself, I’m still kind of a child too. My life is far too turbulent and some days, undecided, to have a family. On my days off I wake up at noon. Sometimes my diet consists of air and nothingness. Some days I just hate the world and everything in it. I think I need to be a bit more emotionally stable before becoming a parent. I think…

And then there’s the issue of [me not] fully [enough, I think] believing hardcore in the promises of God. If I really believed that there IS someone for me He’s just waiting to bless me with, if I really believed that there ARE children that are meant to be my own, then why am I even entertaining the thought that He made me a teacher because I’m not meant to have children?


These are just some of the things that keep me up at night.

And because my track record with men isn’t exactly stellar…

Its funny— similar to needing work experience in order to get a job— funny like that.

Except, its not funny at all.

Its beginning to get a bit embarrassing really. 

But like clockwork, every other moment everyone else is getting married and having their second (not even first, SECOND) and third child and just making these major life moves

and I’m just over here like…


God’s time. Not mine. Yes. Absolutely. Of course.
Incessantly drilled into a heart that’s constantly broken and constantly asking why and why not.

Maybe I just need to pray more.
Maybe I just need to write more.
Maybe I should just care less.

But I can’t seem to do any of that. Not lately.

I have my God daughter. She is the most perfect being in the entire Universe. I could just eat her little face.

But she’s not mine really.
Another stand in.
Another make up.
Another compensation.

Is it really just supposed to be enough?

I don’t know. Its not. Not now.

I think.

Filed under verandah gets serious for a moment ramblings candid personal